Where's Anyanka When You Need Her?

by Michaelanne Petrella

Boy oh boy this is going to be a spicy meatball of a post! HERE WE GO. 

Thanks to the All-Male Iowa Supreme Court, if a married male boss becomes enamored with a female employee, he can legally fire her to prevent his inevitable attempt to fuck her.

"A dentist acted legally when he fired an assistant that he found attractive simply because he and his wife viewed the woman as a threat to their marriage, the all-male Iowa Supreme Court ruled Friday." 

"Nelson, 32, worked for Knight for 10 years, and he considered her a stellar worker. But in the final months of her employment, he complained that her tight clothing was distracting, once telling her that if his pants were bulging that was a sign her clothes were too revealing, according to the opinion. He also once allegedly remarked about her infrequent sex life by saying, 'that’s like having a Lamborghini in the garage and never driving it.'" -National Post

It's great to get a bunch of joke material handed to you on a silver platter by all the dummy men that hold high offices in this country, but sometimes I actually want to move to the moon to just get some peace and quiet from hearing The Men In Charge Of Things say anything.

(And yes, before you ask, I DO hate all men. Even you. Let's be clear, I hate you a lot. You're all just the worst. Just jokey, probby! I like a lot of you men people. A lot of you men people are totally fine and normal and don't make me want to cut the throats of dolls that look like you.)

So, getting back to the whole SHE  was fired thing. Let me try to recap this so I understand it fully.

In Iowa, if a boss can't stop thinking about a co-worker sexually, he can fire her and remove the "problem" even if the employee was a good worker. This makes it a woman's responsibility to make sure she's not turning-on her boss so that she won't be fired for his wiener's emotions. This law is saying it's the woman's fault if she gets fired, not her boss' fault. And, also, her tight clothes' fault. This sounds familiar... kinda like...wait, where have I heard "Was she asking for it?" before? Oh, from rape. Rape is where I have heard that from.

You know what? Here's what:

Vengeful force will look like Tyra. Doesn't she look FIERCE?!
Sorry.

I swear to Lucifer, the kind of justice that needs exacting, and the problems caused by men's wandering peni, is so vast that not a person alive is capable of rectifying the massive sums of treachery that history has logged. It would take an army of vengeful, old-testament style gods a hundred millenia to rid the Earth of the causal slime seeped from pens being put to parchment, bestowed by generations of sweaty, limp, bladders of waste. The laws written by these rotted, crooked men are just as foul as the predatory besotted desires they agree cannot be contained. These common rampallians are given authority through our collective failings as a society - but fortunately they cannot sustain. And, when their end comes, I want them to be shushed by a reckoning force that draws them close and whispers. "No words will save thee."

Now I'm a law-abiding human mind you, and wouldn't hurt a fly (except I kinda would, because I HATE FLIES) but I have such a good idea of what I would want do to all of them, if, say, I were that force. It involves regrowing adults' umbilical cords and tying them all together in a painful, unsolvable knot. 

I'm ending it on a funny note because I have to.

Post Script:

Here is what you're going to do from now on, Men Everywhere:

1. Stop every rapey-vibe locker-room conversation about women by taping people's mouths shut with duct tape and then ripping the duct tape off and saying "I thought you were a duct."

2. If you hear a male boss being wink/nod sexist or sexually suggestive, hack their computers and ruin their lives forever real quick.

3. Start a friendly militant group that goes around painting animal-stool stripes on anyone's houses that comments on this article with the sentence "If men weren't so worried about females suing them for sexual harassment then this wouldn't happen."

4. Stop voting for Republicans. They really, really, really don't like women. 

Demo/Analytics Research

by Michaelanne Petrella

Good morning, I guess! Sometimes I look at the blog analytics to see who is reading, how many are reading, who is reading it at what time of the day, what they are wearing, and how many likes on facebook I get, or comments, or retweets, and this helps me make better decisions on what to write about so you'll like me more. Here are all of them:




Posts That No One Reads the Whole Way Through Because They Aren't Funny
89 views
No Retweets
No Likes on Facebook
Search Terms:  Ugly, Fugly, Does Wal-Mart make their own diapers, What happens when you put Jolly Ranchers in milk

Posts That Are Political and Take A Long Time To Write
190 views
No Retweets
15 Likes on Facebook
4 Comments on Facebook
Search Terms: Obama and Romney holding hands, Rush Limbaugh, Romney's smile, Romney is Gay, Romney looks like a baby, Romney's chin

Posts that Are Clearly Bonkers
36 views
No Retweets
No Likes on Facebook
No Comments on Facebook
Search terms: Fiona Apple's cold sore, Bratz Dolls Replacement Heads


Post Script:

Verdict: Less posts that I find funny, more posts about Romney's weird face.

I know America is a melting pot, but this skin is melting for real. LOL! Melts your heart, etc.

Believe it or not, the world is ending, so best if you just let me steal these MacDonalls cookies. They really are good Believe IT orNOT RIPLEYS If you believe it you'll print it! All the beliefs that fitss to prants. Prancer Dancer Chancer Viceroy Nixon Cupid Donna End of World: All the names of the RainDeers

by Michaelanne Petrella

Ha-ha! That was a practice laugh to get your spirits up and ready for laughter towards these one-liners that I want to say because I happen to have the worst sense of humor alive.

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel nigh. (Hooo doggies these are going to be boring.)

End of the world? But what am I gonna do with all this gold I'm hoarding! (i didn't laff at this one.)

End days aren't gonna clear up, put on a happy (hush my horsemouth, please.)

Eη∂ιє Dαιѕу Dυкєѕу Wσяℓ∂у! (I meant to say Hoggy Trounce Your Nosties into a Spinning Durby of Twirly Gunk Sauce)

World ending? Better get MAACO. (My heart is small and old and gray.)

End days? I hardly know her. (recorded studio audience laugh from Who in Fact is the Boss?)

Atlas shrugged...us right off his shouldies and into the abyss! (I liked my use of shouldies.)

Prepare to live in this ball until it's 2/3 full of urine.

Talk About It

Martha Plimpton ‏@MarthaPlimpton
Blow up a plane and we instantly discuss policies that will prevent it from happening again. Kill 18 kids w a gun & we can't talk about it?

Mark J Tompkins ‏@MarkJTompkins
If we wait for a day with no gun violence to talk about gun violence, we will never talk about gun violence. Which, I guess, is the plan.

Rashida Jones ‏@iamrashidajones
Gun lovers are the first to remind you this should be a "day of mourning". How about we mourn & make it harder to get guns on the same day?

Harrison Mooney ‏@HarrisonMooney
People keep saying you can't talk gun control in the aftermath of a shooting, but we're constantly in the aftermath of a shooting.

Michaelanne Petrella ‏@MichaelanneTwit
We should stop talking about not talking about it & start talking about it. I'm not talking to you, the media. You've done too much talking.

Busy Philipps ‏@Busyphilipps25

I'm in shock&tears over this LATEST shooting. PLEASE @BarackObama, we need to deal with gun control NOW before another senseless tragedy.

abi ‏@abianne
What happened in CT is senseless and heartbreaking. Please, we must not let this keep happening. http://ow.ly/g7dlA 

kelly oxford ‏@kellyoxford
Politicians say it isn't the time to talk about gun control, maybe instead they can come over & explain school shootings to my 3 kids?

Post Script:

NRA ‏ @NRA

[No Comment]

.

Good Anger vs Bad Anger

by Michaelanne Petrella

Welcome to everything again! Here are two things I've been reading and looking upon. One is horrible and one is so good that I'm still angry about it. Enjoy!

Is there such a thing
as a shit-eating frown?

1. Supreme Court Justice Scalia thinks that being morally-wigged-out by The Gays is his right and is constitutionally sound, and means he can keep them from their rights. To him, it's just like hating murder or bestiality, he said with absolutely no hint of irony. But he's not comparing the two, clarified the man who has been appointed to understand distinctions between things, and the definition of the word comparison. He is simply drawing a parallel between their bans. Both things are equally banned. After a few beats, he offered, Because things aren't "half banned" so that means ban=ban. I'm just pointing out the tautology of words that are identical. Justice Scalia, who has been appointed to decide on the merits of laws, makes decisions based morality in order to showcase that morality is the same as being grossed-out to your very core, but also the same thing as objectivity, he explained while gesturing and knocking over a lit candle onto the table. Olives, for example, he said casually, after putting out a small floral arrangement that caught fire. I'm not saying Olives and Gayness are equally banned. They aren't. Olives are gross and I am morally opposed to their texture, he said after squirting an old Gatorade sports bottle of water all over the flowers that were still smoldering. But, we haven't banned olives...yet, he emphasized with a wink, expecting a polite chuckle from the room, only to be met with complete silence, including the cessation of the clicking sounds from the photographers who had been taking his picture and now were just staring at him with gaping, open mouths. Some of my best friends are Olives, he leaned in to say as the power to the microphone was cut with a loud feedback noise.

2. Speaking of best friends, I'm irate with joy at these two idiots:

Post Script:
Best Accu-Innuendo Hyperboles from the NY Time's Article Michigan Bills Limiting Union Power Pass in Legislature: 

“This is being forced down people’s throats,” said Jon M. Switalski, a Democrat . “It’s being done so in a very poor way — in lame duck with no committee meetings.” 

 
But Rick Olson, a Republican, said the legislation was a matter of worker choice, not of harming unions. Mr. Olson described the move as “tough love” for unions. 

 
Joan Bauer, a Democrat, said she was saddened and sickened by what was happening. “I cannot believe this legislation was rammed through in one day,” Ms. Bauer said.

"We are the 9%" Doesn't Chant As Well As You'd Think

by Michaelanne Petrella

Hi Friendface! Here's some news for your eyebulbs to soak in. This is what the US of A's voting population is agreeing with suddenly:

1. A Politico/George Washington University Battleground Poll out today found that 60% of likely voters favor raising taxes on households making more than $250,000 a year. But Obama didn't get 60% of the popular vote. Which means many people voted for a candidate that would NOT raise taxes on the wealthy, but believe that it is important that we do so.

2. An even larger majority of people think we should definitely raise taxes on corporations, an opinion not held by some of you while you were pressing Romney's name, but then mere weeks later it became something you felt very strongly about. How precious of you! You are INCREDIBLE. In-crey-ab-bley. You saw the facts and said shut up to them and voted based on the number of yard signs you saw. Or, MAYBE YOU JUST DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ALL THE FACTS WITH THOSE DISTRACTING DOOMSDAY COMMERCIALS. IT WAS ALL SO CRAZY. Such a crazy time! Who even remembers who you voted for anyhow. 

(Go ahead and watch the clip. I'm just gonna keep talking.)

3. OR, it just means you WERE a likely voter but couldn't be bothered to vote last time. BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW HOW BUSY YOU ARE! NO SERIOUSLY, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN TOTALLY SWAMPED. YOU HAVE A KID AND A CAT.

4. Or, it means your mind was completely changed after turning OFF Fox News because you thought they were running repeat episodes. In case you didn't click the word repeat, let me just tell you that they are reporting on the "Ground Zero Mosque" AGAIN, claiming there are not enough non-prayer related activities and that this mosque is taking a victory lap for 9/11. They literally said the phrases: "All pray and no play" and "Mosque-rade."

I'm all dead now.

Post Script:

Let's end this on an upbeat note, with a big old Happy 197th Birthday to Ada Lovelace, the Enchantress of Numbers, and the world's first computer programmer.

Dear Dream Journal

by Michaelanne Petrella

Sup Noids. I could write an entirely separate blog about my dreams and you would piss your pants with boredom because all dream stories are the worst. However, I've been told that my dreams are slightly less boring than most, so I'm taking a shot here and writing one down I had last night. 

This dream is called Baby Friends.

We open our scene with a child version of myself sitting on the floor in a room with other latchkey kids. We've all been kidnapped by a corporate suit guy who lured us into a van using a badge and a stern voice. There are about 10 kids including me. 

We are sitting there eating stale oyster crackers as a snack, when all four walls of the room fall over with a dusty thud and we are on stage, expected to give a play to a bunch of adults who seem very happy to see us. None of the adults are parents. Just wealthy people waiting to see the first on-stage reality show called Baby Friends. The Muppet Babies theme song starts blasting and all the kids start barrel-rolling around on stage like a choreographed dance. I wasn't paying attention during the dance training, I remember retroactively, and so I have no idea what to do. Instead of rolling around, I start to inch my way offstage. I get pushed back onto the stage and a spotlight hits me for the "solo". 

The solo is supposed to be a rap, according to the change in music. There is a man with rap lyric cue cards in the orchestra pit and I can't read them. At this point, I become lucid and realize it's a dream. I look off to the side of the stage and see a giant red lever on the wall. I run over to it - and now all the suits offstage realize I'm aware of the Matrix or whatever - and they run to stop me. 

I pull the lever. The music stops, the stage begins to rumble and a square chunk of it with all the kids on it, lifts up out of the stage. I hop on and begin flying it above the audiences heads. I instruct the children to pour honey all over the audience (there were jars of honey on the stage airplane, like all stages, of course) and the audience began forming this giant rat king.

Dream Analysis:

I have delusions of grandeur.

Constructive Critcism

by Michaelanne Petrella

Hello Nasty! Had a bit of time today to categorize my thought waves so I wanted to write down what my mind knows. I get a ton of advice words thrown at my skull on the reg, so I'm going to share some of the words I hear. Just know that I love all the advice and follow all of it constantly. Sometimes, even when it conflicts, I follow both things just to see how it'll all work out. Other times I just roll under a porch and let the spiders have me. Here are all the things. Featured: Both sisters, A Boyfriend, Exalted Majesties of the Press, A Cat, and Total Strangers/People I Know From the Grocery Store

Constructive Criticism from My Older Sister

1. Ew you need a new couch.
2. Ew you only have three forks.
3. Ew your hair is too long.
4. Ew it’s Thursday.
5. Ew your cat Cricket is really scared of me.
6. Ew does this have mushrooms in it.
7. Ew here’s 40 dollars. 
8. Ew I like your apartment.
9. Ew why aren’t you and Jim married yet.
10. Ew you look like Steven Seagal in this picture.

Constructive Criticism from My Younger Sister

1. You should go to beauty school.
2. You should move back to Ohio.
3. You should call Grandma.
4. You should let me dread your hair.
5. You should get your nails done.
6. You and Jim should get married.
7. You should have a baby.
8. You should call Grandma.
9. You should call Mrs.Kunkler.
10. You should call Aunt Margaret.

Constructive Criticism from My Cat

1. I’m mad at you.
2. I’m mad you are looking at me.
3. I’m mad because I’m hungry.
4. I ate a clump of hair I found and it’s your fault.
5. I’m mad at you.
6. I’m excited to see you but, let’s be clear, I’m going to bite your hair.
7. I’m mad you hid the laser pointer.
8. I ate some dust I found.
9. I ate the Christmas tree.
10. I’m mad you won’t let me eat this porcelain figurine.

Constructive Criticism from My Boyfriend

1. The lack of candy bars in this house is your fault.
2. I feel like you are hiding all the candy.
3. Did you eat the candy?
4. Then where is it.
5. Did you hide the car keys?
6. Fine. I’ll walk to go get candy.
7. Are you happy?
8. I’m leaving.
9. Look, here I go.
10. You don’t even care that the store is going to close in 5 minutes.

Constructive Criticism and Jokes from People I’ve Just Met, or Once Knew,
Given After They Find Out I Write Jokes

1. You’re a giant lesbian I bet
2. More cowbell
3. Charlie Murphaayyy
4. Retardedsharkunicornpregnantwithtwins says what?
5. I would hug your crotch in front of God
6. Vegas baby
7. Junk in the Trunk and then some
8. Bratz Dolls should be called Slutz Dolls
9. More like Buttz Dolls
10. More like Cuntz Dolls

Constructive Criticism to Pitch Emails from Members of the Press

1. Take me off your list. [Pretty concise response for someone who wrote 4 pages on the greatness of re-using bath water to water your plants. Next time, just call me up screaming the word "unsubscribe" and hang up on me like you think I'm a telemarketer. That'll show me.]
2. I no longer write for Huff Post Green. I will be spending the summer launching my new blog "Earth Aware-Ware" which features my Earth-friendly lids for opened cat food cans. [You’re a true eco-warrior]
3. Who is this? [I feel like my last email accomplished the answer to this question.]
4. How did you get my email address? [You listed it on your website as a way to contact you for press pitches.]
5. Let me get back to you next month. My editor just moved into her new house. [What...?]
6. Yes we would love to feature The Plastic Group. Do you make your own plastic? [The exact opposite of that.]
7. [No response, and then 2 years later] I’m sorry but we won’t be able to feature the 2010 B&B film festival.
8. [No response.]
9. [No response.]
10. Yes, we can feature your organization! However, the blog just launched and only has 41 readers. I will need a press kit and a zip file of high res images. Let’s have a conference call tonight with the webmaster and my assistant. She’s brand new - just out of high school in fact! Do you have time to edit a final version of this post? It’s going to be about 11 pages long. Much of it will be about my trip to India. Are you available next week for coffee? We’d love for you guys to promote our blog through your distribution list. Hey it’s me again, I was wondering if you could post our blog link on the front page of your site. Would you also consider changing the name of your group to our name? [I no longer work for this organization. I will be spending my summer digging a grave and putting my living corpse inside of it.]

Chrimmas Trey News

by Michaelanne Petrella

Hi Dummy Donkeys. Here is a bunch of news about ME and also the rest of the world.

Soylent Orange.

1. Today, I was attacked by a hundred giant fruit flies that had been born out of a weird bowl of water and orange peels from yesterday. Was someone eating orange peel soup? Why are there so many orange peels? So, I screamed a single fountain of sonic boom waves out of my throat and Jim removed the soup from my eyesight. Before I had a chance to ask him about the soup, he quickly ran away from me with his hands in the air like Kermit. Then, all the fruit flies disappeared into the Higgs Boson field except for five of them. They have been taking turns landing on my computer screen. Now my computer screen has big punch cracks all over it.

2. Christian Slater's vote got rejected in Florida because his signature didn't match the signature on his registration card. He stood in line for 5 hours.

Cryburger.

3. Romney ate a sad Boston Market Thanksgiving meal.

Those dots are entire galaxies, not stars. You're incredibly unimportant. 

4. The Atlantic presents: 2012 Hubble Space Telescope Advent Calendar where you can go there every day starting now and look at the giant universe until you get depressed as hell.

Post Script:

I decorated the Chrimmas Tree. Here are all the ornaments:

1. Birdhouse near the bottom rung
2. Glitter poinsettia star held to top with dentist bib clamp
3. Hinged Santa storage ornament
4. Snoopy on Dog House
5. Chip Clips
6. Eeyore stuffed animal stuffed into the tree
7. Disco ball
8. Rudolph with umbilical cord
9. All of the other Charlie Brown characters but none of them are three-dimensional 
10. Glass roundies that are pink and blue with sparkle flowers
11. Snowman faces that I have turned around to face inward

Tree essentially looks like this.