Where's Anyanka When You Need Her?

by Michaelanne Petrella

Boy oh boy this is going to be a spicy meatball of a post! HERE WE GO. 

Thanks to the All-Male Iowa Supreme Court, if a married male boss becomes enamored with a female employee, he can legally fire her to prevent his inevitable attempt to fuck her.

"A dentist acted legally when he fired an assistant that he found attractive simply because he and his wife viewed the woman as a threat to their marriage, the all-male Iowa Supreme Court ruled Friday." 

"Nelson, 32, worked for Knight for 10 years, and he considered her a stellar worker. But in the final months of her employment, he complained that her tight clothing was distracting, once telling her that if his pants were bulging that was a sign her clothes were too revealing, according to the opinion. He also once allegedly remarked about her infrequent sex life by saying, 'that’s like having a Lamborghini in the garage and never driving it.'" -National Post

It's great to get a bunch of joke material handed to you on a silver platter by all the dummy men that hold high offices in this country, but sometimes I actually want to move to the moon to just get some peace and quiet from hearing The Men In Charge Of Things say anything.

(And yes, before you ask, I DO hate all men. Even you. Let's be clear, I hate you a lot. You're all just the worst. Just jokey, probby! I like a lot of you men people. A lot of you men people are totally fine and normal and don't make me want to cut the throats of dolls that look like you.)

So, getting back to the whole SHE  was fired thing. Let me try to recap this so I understand it fully.

In Iowa, if a boss can't stop thinking about a co-worker sexually, he can fire her and remove the "problem" even if the employee was a good worker. This makes it a woman's responsibility to make sure she's not turning-on her boss so that she won't be fired for his wiener's emotions. This law is saying it's the woman's fault if she gets fired, not her boss' fault. And, also, her tight clothes' fault. This sounds familiar... kinda like...wait, where have I heard "Was she asking for it?" before? Oh, from rape. Rape is where I have heard that from.

You know what? Here's what:

Vengeful force will look like Tyra. Doesn't she look FIERCE?!
Sorry.

I swear to Lucifer, the kind of justice that needs exacting, and the problems caused by men's wandering peni, is so vast that not a person alive is capable of rectifying the massive sums of treachery that history has logged. It would take an army of vengeful, old-testament style gods a hundred millenia to rid the Earth of the causal slime seeped from pens being put to parchment, bestowed by generations of sweaty, limp, bladders of waste. The laws written by these rotted, crooked men are just as foul as the predatory besotted desires they agree cannot be contained. These common rampallians are given authority through our collective failings as a society - but fortunately they cannot sustain. And, when their end comes, I want them to be shushed by a reckoning force that draws them close and whispers. "No words will save thee."

Now I'm a law-abiding human mind you, and wouldn't hurt a fly (except I kinda would, because I HATE FLIES) but I have such a good idea of what I would want do to all of them, if, say, I were that force. It involves regrowing adults' umbilical cords and tying them all together in a painful, unsolvable knot. 

I'm ending it on a funny note because I have to.

Post Script:

Here is what you're going to do from now on, Men Everywhere:

1. Stop every rapey-vibe locker-room conversation about women by taping people's mouths shut with duct tape and then ripping the duct tape off and saying "I thought you were a duct."

2. If you hear a male boss being wink/nod sexist or sexually suggestive, hack their computers and ruin their lives forever real quick.

3. Start a friendly militant group that goes around painting animal-stool stripes on anyone's houses that comments on this article with the sentence "If men weren't so worried about females suing them for sexual harassment then this wouldn't happen."

4. Stop voting for Republicans. They really, really, really don't like women. 

Demo/Analytics Research

by Michaelanne Petrella

Good morning, I guess! Sometimes I look at the blog analytics to see who is reading, how many are reading, who is reading it at what time of the day, what they are wearing, and how many likes on facebook I get, or comments, or retweets, and this helps me make better decisions on what to write about so you'll like me more. Here are all of them:




Posts That No One Reads the Whole Way Through Because They Aren't Funny
89 views
No Retweets
No Likes on Facebook
Search Terms:  Ugly, Fugly, Does Wal-Mart make their own diapers, What happens when you put Jolly Ranchers in milk

Posts That Are Political and Take A Long Time To Write
190 views
No Retweets
15 Likes on Facebook
4 Comments on Facebook
Search Terms: Obama and Romney holding hands, Rush Limbaugh, Romney's smile, Romney is Gay, Romney looks like a baby, Romney's chin

Posts that Are Clearly Bonkers
36 views
No Retweets
No Likes on Facebook
No Comments on Facebook
Search terms: Fiona Apple's cold sore, Bratz Dolls Replacement Heads


Post Script:

Verdict: Less posts that I find funny, more posts about Romney's weird face.

I know America is a melting pot, but this skin is melting for real. LOL! Melts your heart, etc.

Believe it or not, the world is ending, so best if you just let me steal these MacDonalls cookies. They really are good Believe IT orNOT RIPLEYS If you believe it you'll print it! All the beliefs that fitss to prants. Prancer Dancer Chancer Viceroy Nixon Cupid Donna End of World: All the names of the RainDeers

by Michaelanne Petrella

Ha-ha! That was a practice laugh to get your spirits up and ready for laughter towards these one-liners that I want to say because I happen to have the worst sense of humor alive.

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel nigh. (Hooo doggies these are going to be boring.)

End of the world? But what am I gonna do with all this gold I'm hoarding! (i didn't laff at this one.)

End days aren't gonna clear up, put on a happy (hush my horsemouth, please.)

Eη∂ιє Dαιѕу Dυкєѕу Wσяℓ∂у! (I meant to say Hoggy Trounce Your Nosties into a Spinning Durby of Twirly Gunk Sauce)

World ending? Better get MAACO. (My heart is small and old and gray.)

End days? I hardly know her. (recorded studio audience laugh from Who in Fact is the Boss?)

Atlas shrugged...us right off his shouldies and into the abyss! (I liked my use of shouldies.)

Prepare to live in this ball until it's 2/3 full of urine.

Talk About It

Martha Plimpton ‏@MarthaPlimpton
Blow up a plane and we instantly discuss policies that will prevent it from happening again. Kill 18 kids w a gun & we can't talk about it?

Mark J Tompkins ‏@MarkJTompkins
If we wait for a day with no gun violence to talk about gun violence, we will never talk about gun violence. Which, I guess, is the plan.

Rashida Jones ‏@iamrashidajones
Gun lovers are the first to remind you this should be a "day of mourning". How about we mourn & make it harder to get guns on the same day?

Harrison Mooney ‏@HarrisonMooney
People keep saying you can't talk gun control in the aftermath of a shooting, but we're constantly in the aftermath of a shooting.

Michaelanne Petrella ‏@MichaelanneTwit
We should stop talking about not talking about it & start talking about it. I'm not talking to you, the media. You've done too much talking.

Busy Philipps ‏@Busyphilipps25

I'm in shock&tears over this LATEST shooting. PLEASE @BarackObama, we need to deal with gun control NOW before another senseless tragedy.

abi ‏@abianne
What happened in CT is senseless and heartbreaking. Please, we must not let this keep happening. http://ow.ly/g7dlA 

kelly oxford ‏@kellyoxford
Politicians say it isn't the time to talk about gun control, maybe instead they can come over & explain school shootings to my 3 kids?

Post Script:

NRA ‏ @NRA

[No Comment]

.

Good Anger vs Bad Anger

by Michaelanne Petrella

Welcome to everything again! Here are two things I've been reading and looking upon. One is horrible and one is so good that I'm still angry about it. Enjoy!

Is there such a thing
as a shit-eating frown?

1. Supreme Court Justice Scalia thinks that being morally-wigged-out by The Gays is his right and is constitutionally sound, and means he can keep them from their rights. To him, it's just like hating murder or bestiality, he said with absolutely no hint of irony. But he's not comparing the two, clarified the man who has been appointed to understand distinctions between things, and the definition of the word comparison. He is simply drawing a parallel between their bans. Both things are equally banned. After a few beats, he offered, Because things aren't "half banned" so that means ban=ban. I'm just pointing out the tautology of words that are identical. Justice Scalia, who has been appointed to decide on the merits of laws, makes decisions based morality in order to showcase that morality is the same as being grossed-out to your very core, but also the same thing as objectivity, he explained while gesturing and knocking over a lit candle onto the table. Olives, for example, he said casually, after putting out a small floral arrangement that caught fire. I'm not saying Olives and Gayness are equally banned. They aren't. Olives are gross and I am morally opposed to their texture, he said after squirting an old Gatorade sports bottle of water all over the flowers that were still smoldering. But, we haven't banned olives...yet, he emphasized with a wink, expecting a polite chuckle from the room, only to be met with complete silence, including the cessation of the clicking sounds from the photographers who had been taking his picture and now were just staring at him with gaping, open mouths. Some of my best friends are Olives, he leaned in to say as the power to the microphone was cut with a loud feedback noise.

2. Speaking of best friends, I'm irate with joy at these two idiots:

Post Script:
Best Accu-Innuendo Hyperboles from the NY Time's Article Michigan Bills Limiting Union Power Pass in Legislature: 

“This is being forced down people’s throats,” said Jon M. Switalski, a Democrat . “It’s being done so in a very poor way — in lame duck with no committee meetings.” 

 
But Rick Olson, a Republican, said the legislation was a matter of worker choice, not of harming unions. Mr. Olson described the move as “tough love” for unions. 

 
Joan Bauer, a Democrat, said she was saddened and sickened by what was happening. “I cannot believe this legislation was rammed through in one day,” Ms. Bauer said.

"We are the 9%" Doesn't Chant As Well As You'd Think

by Michaelanne Petrella

Hi Friendface! Here's some news for your eyebulbs to soak in. This is what the US of A's voting population is agreeing with suddenly:

1. A Politico/George Washington University Battleground Poll out today found that 60% of likely voters favor raising taxes on households making more than $250,000 a year. But Obama didn't get 60% of the popular vote. Which means many people voted for a candidate that would NOT raise taxes on the wealthy, but believe that it is important that we do so.

2. An even larger majority of people think we should definitely raise taxes on corporations, an opinion not held by some of you while you were pressing Romney's name, but then mere weeks later it became something you felt very strongly about. How precious of you! You are INCREDIBLE. In-crey-ab-bley. You saw the facts and said shut up to them and voted based on the number of yard signs you saw. Or, MAYBE YOU JUST DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ALL THE FACTS WITH THOSE DISTRACTING DOOMSDAY COMMERCIALS. IT WAS ALL SO CRAZY. Such a crazy time! Who even remembers who you voted for anyhow. 

(Go ahead and watch the clip. I'm just gonna keep talking.)

3. OR, it just means you WERE a likely voter but couldn't be bothered to vote last time. BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW HOW BUSY YOU ARE! NO SERIOUSLY, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN TOTALLY SWAMPED. YOU HAVE A KID AND A CAT.

4. Or, it means your mind was completely changed after turning OFF Fox News because you thought they were running repeat episodes. In case you didn't click the word repeat, let me just tell you that they are reporting on the "Ground Zero Mosque" AGAIN, claiming there are not enough non-prayer related activities and that this mosque is taking a victory lap for 9/11. They literally said the phrases: "All pray and no play" and "Mosque-rade."

I'm all dead now.

Post Script:

Let's end this on an upbeat note, with a big old Happy 197th Birthday to Ada Lovelace, the Enchantress of Numbers, and the world's first computer programmer.

Dear Dream Journal

by Michaelanne Petrella

Sup Noids. I could write an entirely separate blog about my dreams and you would piss your pants with boredom because all dream stories are the worst. However, I've been told that my dreams are slightly less boring than most, so I'm taking a shot here and writing one down I had last night. 

This dream is called Baby Friends.

We open our scene with a child version of myself sitting on the floor in a room with other latchkey kids. We've all been kidnapped by a corporate suit guy who lured us into a van using a badge and a stern voice. There are about 10 kids including me. 

We are sitting there eating stale oyster crackers as a snack, when all four walls of the room fall over with a dusty thud and we are on stage, expected to give a play to a bunch of adults who seem very happy to see us. None of the adults are parents. Just wealthy people waiting to see the first on-stage reality show called Baby Friends. The Muppet Babies theme song starts blasting and all the kids start barrel-rolling around on stage like a choreographed dance. I wasn't paying attention during the dance training, I remember retroactively, and so I have no idea what to do. Instead of rolling around, I start to inch my way offstage. I get pushed back onto the stage and a spotlight hits me for the "solo". 

The solo is supposed to be a rap, according to the change in music. There is a man with rap lyric cue cards in the orchestra pit and I can't read them. At this point, I become lucid and realize it's a dream. I look off to the side of the stage and see a giant red lever on the wall. I run over to it - and now all the suits offstage realize I'm aware of the Matrix or whatever - and they run to stop me. 

I pull the lever. The music stops, the stage begins to rumble and a square chunk of it with all the kids on it, lifts up out of the stage. I hop on and begin flying it above the audiences heads. I instruct the children to pour honey all over the audience (there were jars of honey on the stage airplane, like all stages, of course) and the audience began forming this giant rat king.

Dream Analysis:

I have delusions of grandeur.

Constructive Critcism

by Michaelanne Petrella

Hello Nasty! Had a bit of time today to categorize my thought waves so I wanted to write down what my mind knows. I get a ton of advice words thrown at my skull on the reg, so I'm going to share some of the words I hear. Just know that I love all the advice and follow all of it constantly. Sometimes, even when it conflicts, I follow both things just to see how it'll all work out. Other times I just roll under a porch and let the spiders have me. Here are all the things. Featured: Both sisters, A Boyfriend, Exalted Majesties of the Press, A Cat, and Total Strangers/People I Know From the Grocery Store

Constructive Criticism from My Older Sister

1. Ew you need a new couch.
2. Ew you only have three forks.
3. Ew your hair is too long.
4. Ew it’s Thursday.
5. Ew your cat Cricket is really scared of me.
6. Ew does this have mushrooms in it.
7. Ew here’s 40 dollars. 
8. Ew I like your apartment.
9. Ew why aren’t you and Jim married yet.
10. Ew you look like Steven Seagal in this picture.

Constructive Criticism from My Younger Sister

1. You should go to beauty school.
2. You should move back to Ohio.
3. You should call Grandma.
4. You should let me dread your hair.
5. You should get your nails done.
6. You and Jim should get married.
7. You should have a baby.
8. You should call Grandma.
9. You should call Mrs.Kunkler.
10. You should call Aunt Margaret.

Constructive Criticism from My Cat

1. I’m mad at you.
2. I’m mad you are looking at me.
3. I’m mad because I’m hungry.
4. I ate a clump of hair I found and it’s your fault.
5. I’m mad at you.
6. I’m excited to see you but, let’s be clear, I’m going to bite your hair.
7. I’m mad you hid the laser pointer.
8. I ate some dust I found.
9. I ate the Christmas tree.
10. I’m mad you won’t let me eat this porcelain figurine.

Constructive Criticism from My Boyfriend

1. The lack of candy bars in this house is your fault.
2. I feel like you are hiding all the candy.
3. Did you eat the candy?
4. Then where is it.
5. Did you hide the car keys?
6. Fine. I’ll walk to go get candy.
7. Are you happy?
8. I’m leaving.
9. Look, here I go.
10. You don’t even care that the store is going to close in 5 minutes.

Constructive Criticism and Jokes from People I’ve Just Met, or Once Knew,
Given After They Find Out I Write Jokes

1. You’re a giant lesbian I bet
2. More cowbell
3. Charlie Murphaayyy
4. Retardedsharkunicornpregnantwithtwins says what?
5. I would hug your crotch in front of God
6. Vegas baby
7. Junk in the Trunk and then some
8. Bratz Dolls should be called Slutz Dolls
9. More like Buttz Dolls
10. More like Cuntz Dolls

Constructive Criticism to Pitch Emails from Members of the Press

1. Take me off your list. [Pretty concise response for someone who wrote 4 pages on the greatness of re-using bath water to water your plants. Next time, just call me up screaming the word "unsubscribe" and hang up on me like you think I'm a telemarketer. That'll show me.]
2. I no longer write for Huff Post Green. I will be spending the summer launching my new blog "Earth Aware-Ware" which features my Earth-friendly lids for opened cat food cans. [You’re a true eco-warrior]
3. Who is this? [I feel like my last email accomplished the answer to this question.]
4. How did you get my email address? [You listed it on your website as a way to contact you for press pitches.]
5. Let me get back to you next month. My editor just moved into her new house. [What...?]
6. Yes we would love to feature The Plastic Group. Do you make your own plastic? [The exact opposite of that.]
7. [No response, and then 2 years later] I’m sorry but we won’t be able to feature the 2010 B&B film festival.
8. [No response.]
9. [No response.]
10. Yes, we can feature your organization! However, the blog just launched and only has 41 readers. I will need a press kit and a zip file of high res images. Let’s have a conference call tonight with the webmaster and my assistant. She’s brand new - just out of high school in fact! Do you have time to edit a final version of this post? It’s going to be about 11 pages long. Much of it will be about my trip to India. Are you available next week for coffee? We’d love for you guys to promote our blog through your distribution list. Hey it’s me again, I was wondering if you could post our blog link on the front page of your site. Would you also consider changing the name of your group to our name? [I no longer work for this organization. I will be spending my summer digging a grave and putting my living corpse inside of it.]

Chrimmas Trey News

by Michaelanne Petrella

Hi Dummy Donkeys. Here is a bunch of news about ME and also the rest of the world.

Soylent Orange.

1. Today, I was attacked by a hundred giant fruit flies that had been born out of a weird bowl of water and orange peels from yesterday. Was someone eating orange peel soup? Why are there so many orange peels? So, I screamed a single fountain of sonic boom waves out of my throat and Jim removed the soup from my eyesight. Before I had a chance to ask him about the soup, he quickly ran away from me with his hands in the air like Kermit. Then, all the fruit flies disappeared into the Higgs Boson field except for five of them. They have been taking turns landing on my computer screen. Now my computer screen has big punch cracks all over it.

2. Christian Slater's vote got rejected in Florida because his signature didn't match the signature on his registration card. He stood in line for 5 hours.

Cryburger.

3. Romney ate a sad Boston Market Thanksgiving meal.

Those dots are entire galaxies, not stars. You're incredibly unimportant. 

4. The Atlantic presents: 2012 Hubble Space Telescope Advent Calendar where you can go there every day starting now and look at the giant universe until you get depressed as hell.

Post Script:

I decorated the Chrimmas Tree. Here are all the ornaments:

1. Birdhouse near the bottom rung
2. Glitter poinsettia star held to top with dentist bib clamp
3. Hinged Santa storage ornament
4. Snoopy on Dog House
5. Chip Clips
6. Eeyore stuffed animal stuffed into the tree
7. Disco ball
8. Rudolph with umbilical cord
9. All of the other Charlie Brown characters but none of them are three-dimensional 
10. Glass roundies that are pink and blue with sparkle flowers
11. Snowman faces that I have turned around to face inward

Tree essentially looks like this.

News Roundy Roundy Roundskins Round Up

by Michaelanne Petrella

Good morning boys and girls, here are your afternoon announcements. There is a lot going on with John Boehner and Grover Norquist, but since I hate looking at their faces, let's focus on other news items from today. I will report on all the major news food groups. Animals, People, Corporations that are People, People/Animal hybrids, and Joe Biden.




1. There is a room full of puppies for students needing a study break at the Dalhousie Student Union. How fun!

Here is Peppers running away from needy students.

Big Foot.

Big Idiot.

2. Romney face tattoo guy regrets getting Romney face tattoo. He is going to get it removed, so he can sell ad space on his face for another tattoo.

3. Big Foot is real says this press release!

Big Idiot.

4. BP is not allowed to have any new government contracts because they whoopsied oil all over the ocean during Deepwater Horizon Wireless spill of 2010.








5. Biden went shopping today at Costco where he bought a TV, chidren's books, and pie. He rale happy about it!

Big Spender.

Post Script:

Sonya Yu of Noe Valley, San Francisco caught a convicted rapist, who had stolen $1,000 of her Amazon goods from her porch, in the act of stealing a box she baited him with. She chased after him with a wooden sword, but not before emptying a can of bear spray on him from the balcony above. He was taken to the hospital due to the amount of bear spraying that occurred, and has been arrested. The neighborhood is cheering her on Twitter.

Did you hear the NEWS ABOUT ALL THE STUFF

ZZZzzzZZZzzzz.....

by Michaelanne Petrella

Oh, hello! I fell asleep for a hundred hours after the election was over but I'm back! I wanted to update you on the news that I have been sleeping through recently.

News from the last whatever:

1. General Patton kissed a girl and he liked it. It is Obama's fault.

2. Hamas just dared Israel to invade Gaza on the ground. Mr. President, PLEASE DEPLOY HILLARY. UPDATE: Hills Deployed.

3. Thanksgiving is today, tomorrow, Thurby, and Fridaise. Guess Who Is Coming For Dinner? Someone who nearly choke to death eating a Reese's peanut butter cup wrapper because she thought it was food:

I also once almost died from eating an apricot.

and this fella: 

Dr. Chevy Fresh Hat.

Also featured at the upcoming Thanksbirthday Day is Chef Jim:

Sprouts on the Cob.

4. Guy Fieri just appeared on the TV.

Here are all the phrases he said that made me die:

Totez Bagoatious, Narga Blurgyflip!
Ba-widda-bah-da-bang-da-bang!

1. Shut the front door
2. Out of bounds
3. Off the hook
4. (Unintelligible screaming)
5. Getting your goat on
6. Regular old cooked-down skin
7. College Taco Bar
8. PhD in Rock n' Roll
9. I'm Russian to get some of this in my mouth
10. These noodles are overcooked, bro



5. Wait. Another episode just barfed out of the screen. I actually have to change this. His sunglasses are on the back of his head. They are yellow. His soul patch is a different color than his goatee!!! BRB.

6. Back from throwing the TV into a forest fire!

Okay, so here's all the even more news:

Jar of Hell.

7. Twinkies got extinct because Unions and Obamacare and Susan Rice's talking points. UPDATE: They may not get shut down? What a crock of dogshit! I'm trying to make a living here!!!!!!

8. I haven't tried it, but Pinterest told me that if you mix a 1/4 teaspoon of baking powder or baking soda, I can't remember which, but it's definitely one and not the other, into a quart of Southern Sweet Tea it makes sweet tea actually taste good.

9. Sorry, "The South", sweet tea needs a trillion lemons in it before I chug it down. And fuck you anyone that puts mint in tea. Mint is toothpaste. The end.



Post Script:

Sometimes turning your head brain on is weird and hard.

10. US Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), who is on the Senate Science subcommittee, said, "I'm not a scientist, man" when asked how old the Earth is. He said he doesn't know how old the Earth is, and thinks it is "one of the great mysteries". You know, someone else said something like this before. It was Sherri Shepherd from the View back in 2007. When someone asked her if the Earth was flat, she said she had never thought about it and didn't know the answer. She was hesitant to say yes, because she was afraid it would conflict with her religious teachings. The next day she played it off like she knew all along that the Earth was round. Too late, Sherri! You should get a TV show with Guy Fireyface and it shall be called "Screaming While Chewing Soup".

Mirthlot and Raisinable Behavior

Most Tweeted Thing Ever is this photo, 

posted to Twitter after President Obama won the 2012 election:

Four more years!

by Michaelanne Petrella

Most people, especially bleeding-liver liberals like me, get their drank on during elections. Even though I was pretty confident about the outcome, being from Northeastern Ohio makes you assume that a sportz team loss is just around any given corner, even if a victory is imminent. My friend Willie D. astutely pointed this out during Karl Rove's descent into madness over the Ohio results. We all braced for the Rove Obstruction like how people brace for an onslaught of bedbugs: Lay there terrified that every itch is a bedbug and pray for death if it is. Or, in this case, drink upon old Merlot and eat fistfuls of off-brand raisins all night.

Four more beers!

Then, after hours of clenched fists and not finding any jokes funny, and shushing Jim for speaking, even during commercials, putting the cat in time-out for going near the TV plug, snorting lines of spilled vino, then murdering myself for jokingly using the word "vino" (I didn't stand for any joking or sass talking that night, even from myself), I watched Rachel Maddow announce that Obama had won Ohio, and the election. I think I started clapping and "hollering" but then, after that, I passed out from two years of stress leaving my body in a single millisecond. When Bumpa won, everyone was super happy, but also stunned that it wasn't a night of self-loathing, recounts, and Karl Rove suing people. But we weren't the only ones stunned that night.

Master of Gorplok SLEEPY!

Seems like Romney went through the Mormon version of getting drunk and sad on election night. Campaign insiders described him as being "shell-shocked" and surprised. My guess is, he probably showered 11 times in a row to get a blood pressure buzz, and Paul Ryan engaged in hate-Pilates for an hour. I think Karl Rove's innards' demon, that replaced his organs and is currently keeping him alive, started getting hungry and also sleepy.


Then, Romper's speechwriters decided they should probably get around to writing a concession speech. Since the President of the USA has to WAIT to give his victory speech until after his opponent concedes, it was slightly stupid and wude not to have written a speech in advance. Bad behavior! Poor form! Who pays your taxes! MICHAELANNE SLEEPY! Give me m'wine, Jam, I'm FINE.

Anyhoodles, instead of letting the President of the USA give his speech at a reasonable hour, the entire country had to wait to hear how Rompers is gonna pray for Obama's Muslim ways or whatever. It took them an hour to write a 5 minute speech. zzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzz

Many Conservatives were surprised by the losses that night. Probably because they all live inside a White dome of White light where they reassure each other that America is still White and White is Right, and Might is Right, and Right on Red, and Red is Commie, Commies are Obama, Obama is Kenyan, Kenya is the path to Syria's waterways, etc.

I need to make this next part as large as possible so your eyes remember to read it: After the reality sunk in, and after the speech was made, Rompers sprang into action and cut off his staff's credit cards in the middle of the night, leaving some of them stranded and broke. 
"Fiscally conservative," sighed one aide the next day.


The Right person won.

Post Script:

Me, after all the stress went from my body. (hover to activate gif, chrome users.)

Before the stress left my body:

(oldie but a goodie)

Women, Get the Fuck Out (the Vote)

Women of the USA: Unite and take...cover, possibly.

"Ballot Ballad" was probby taken. 

by Michaelanne Petrella

Voting day is here! This is the day that you stand in long lines, get bored, debate asking the person in front of you for a bite of their granola bar, text your friends to say how bored you are, and generally just get nervous and confused when you are reading your ballot. There ARE worse things than voting days. Like this pamphlet, for instance. Back in the wayback days, voting wasn't for everyone! The National Association Opposed to Woman Suffrage was unfortunately created by a woman named Josephine Dodge in response to women wanting the right to vote. Please read the following pamphlet to see why voting gives you wrinkles:

Copyright © 2011 The Regents of the University of California

I can't believe a woman wrote this. Doesn't she know her opinion doesn't matter? 

Woo Doggies! Fuck you women, according to this poorly-reasoned crazy person's manifesto. Lots of good points made about energy and time, but mostly good points made about whether or not women exist. This pamphlet is less about voting, and more about deciding if women are just redundant clones that have the ability to cancel out, or double-increase things, like some weird paradoxical entity. Don't you know that women are a spacial anomaly that will vote everything up its own ass? The genius that founded the National Association Opposed to Woman Suffrage was an anti-petticoat-takeover, college educated, woman. Imagine, a smart woman voting against her best interests, or rather, voting in favor of not voting!

The crazy thing is, she thought this was progress for women. She believed voting would compromise the nonpartisan integrity of women, that it would make them biased, and they wouldn't have the saintly dispositions to do their important social work -- they would be down in the mud with the rest of the mortals. This attitude mirrors certain kinds of "peace-making" referee rolls that women are supposed to have, but it also brings up the "politics are disgusting" thing. What people, and women people, mean when they say this, is they are disgusted by fighting. Which isn't even that good of thing to be grossed by. Be grossed by Super PACs and commercials, but don't act like passionately defending your partisan argument is disgusting or that you should feel guilty for voting since you are supposed to abstain from such "fighting".

Okay, I have convinced you to vote and now you are going "Wubba wubba wub wha what do I vote at!?" And I say, in response to that, Your stutter is fancy as hell!  Secondly, I declare that you shall vote for President Obama. You're sitting their wondering to yourself, "If Obama is so great for women, why don't I have a flying car yet?" This is a perfectly valid question. But instead of worrying about that like a doofus, why don't you ask a better question like this one: "What the fuck has Obama done for women?"

http://whatthefuckhasobamadonesofar.com

And, what the fuck will Romney do for women? He'd defund Planned Parenthood, he'd roll back Roe v Wade through Supreme Court appointments, and he'd still continue to support a man that said that rape pregnancies were intended by God.

You are still sitting at home like a wonderful idiot unable to find your fucking polling place. Are you wondering where you fucking polling place is? Here's a fucking website that will tell you:

http://www.yourfuckingpollingplace.com/

Now go vote. And don't wait to read about the issues for the first time at the voting booth. Don't hold up the line and don't accidentally get tricked into voting for mandatory chemical baths for puppies.

I hate baffs!

Heartlandia

I approve this graphic that I made in under 4 minutes. Totes profesh looking!
 I may have stolen the background from a Zales advertisement. 

by Michaelanne Petrella

Hello there, Ohio. I grew up inside your Heart of it All and I have a favor to ask. I want you to read three reasons why Romney is a chump. I sat through all of your winters and winter football games and winter storms and digging my car out and snow in Aprils and black ice season and tornado warnings and the Randolph Fair, so you can sit down and listen for five goddamn minutes.





HERE IS REASONS NOW:

Will someone take this car, go back in time,
find me, and give me this car when I was in high school? 

1. Romney grew up around the auto industry, and his family drew great wealth from it, but he thinks it should go to hell. Why? Because he only understands the mechanics of an assets management company and nothing else. He thinks that tough love on an industry or business makes it so only the BEST businesses emerge from the ashes -- like Darwinism. Or, for Creationists, it's like how God let Adam and Eve get eternally damned forever after testing their faith three hours after they gained sentience, and then, by extension, allowed all of that to domino into damnation for all future
generations to come, creating an endless deficit of trust and faith. LOL!

2. He thinks we should defund everything forever.  Conservative Republican politicians claim that shrinking the government is all about "the people's freedom". Really, they advocate for a less powerful government because the corporations, that financially support their campaigns, want less government regulation.

Less regulations on corporations means they can crush their workers'
 life enjoyment levels by 30% per day with ease.

Minimum wage wasn't created by fun-loving corporate bosses who love regulations. Neither were weekends. It's not that these companies are bad, but they don't have anyone else's interests in mind -- and as a matter of fact, we require that they don't. Shareholders get cranky and screamy if a company shells out money to employees instead of raising the value of the share. Conservatives have this idea that anyone should have the freedom to grow their company to be as big as they want, and let it do whatever it wants. Supporting that idea is like reading the 2nd Amendment and deciding that it means we can all own hydrogen bombs. We are looking at a power shift from a system run by people and representatives, to a system run by bosses and CEOs. You know what I DON'T want? A boss deciding my tax rates. Raise your hand if you love your boss and think your boss is a genius who should be in charge of your tax rates. Raise your fuck of a hand right now.


3. Responsibly applied science is the most important thing to our world.  

Science, the poem

by Michaelanne Petrella

We understand how science works 

And how it saves our lives. 

We understand responsible scientific advancement

Is how we evolve and thrive. 

Those who refuse to get it,

(And those who even fight it),

Don't understand that the lady who predicts the weather,

Can also predict the climate.

Green Technology and Green Jobs

Will be our next big boom

But we won't get very far

With this philistine in the room:

.

So, please don't vote for Rumples. Please. I am asking you not to vote for him with a calm voice and I'm not even screaming at you at all. Please don't vote for Mitt Romney. Please. Ohio. Don't. Vote. For. Him.


Post Script:

Mythological Furies, (not Furries), the Guardians of Law
and snake singlets, I guess.

Here are some Fun Myths that are made of idiot soup.

1. Myth #1: Private sector is infallibly great  - Orly? Because whenever I go to Taco Bell, I never actually end up eating Mexican food. It looks like it, kinda smells like it, but it taste like salted cream of wheat wrapped in a piece of cardstock. Stopping going there to "send a message" seems to have only made the food worse. (They had to cut corners somewhere after they lost my 600 dollar a month patronage.)

2. Myth #2: Both sides are corrupt - Grow up. Humans are corrupt, all shapes and forms of them, but at least Democrats aren't constantly getting caught doing something they rail against. Like closeted gay Republicans who oppose marriage equality. Or, raising taxes and fees in Massachusetts, despite claiming to never do that. Or, being anti-choice, but then pressuring your mistress into an abortion. Or, having a secret family on the side for several decades while you talk about the importance of family units and values, and blame single-parent households for increases in violence. Or, preaching about fiscal responsibility and then asking to raise defense spending 2 trillion above what the DOD is asking for and will pay for it by cutting healthcare. Or, criticizing the green pork in the stimulus package and then asking for green pork from the stimulus.

3. Myth #3: Government takes your freedom - There is one party trying to take away my uterus' rights and one that is not. There is one party that is trying to bust Unions who fight for workers' freedom and one that is not. There is one that is trying to eliminate my right to know what is in my food and products and one that is not. It's not government that wants to take your freedoms, it's corporate shills who get elected that do. Also, by a staunch conservative's own logic, they should be fine with getting rid "freedom inhibiting" things such as expiration dates, non-smoking airplanes, speed limits, seat belts, zoo cages, stop lights, leash laws, water standards, bike helmets, building standards, walls in general, doors, etc. No rules, baby, just a lot of love and faith and trust in each other. Let's all be free of rules! Let it all hang out, right?! What a bunch of hippies.