Constructive Critcism

by Michaelanne Petrella

Hello Nasty! Had a bit of time today to categorize my thought waves so I wanted to write down what my mind knows. I get a ton of advice words thrown at my skull on the reg, so I'm going to share some of the words I hear. Just know that I love all the advice and follow all of it constantly. Sometimes, even when it conflicts, I follow both things just to see how it'll all work out. Other times I just roll under a porch and let the spiders have me. Here are all the things. Featured: Both sisters, A Boyfriend, Exalted Majesties of the Press, A Cat, and Total Strangers/People I Know From the Grocery Store

Constructive Criticism from My Older Sister

1. Ew you need a new couch.
2. Ew you only have three forks.
3. Ew your hair is too long.
4. Ew it’s Thursday.
5. Ew your cat Cricket is really scared of me.
6. Ew does this have mushrooms in it.
7. Ew here’s 40 dollars. 
8. Ew I like your apartment.
9. Ew why aren’t you and Jim married yet.
10. Ew you look like Steven Seagal in this picture.

Constructive Criticism from My Younger Sister

1. You should go to beauty school.
2. You should move back to Ohio.
3. You should call Grandma.
4. You should let me dread your hair.
5. You should get your nails done.
6. You and Jim should get married.
7. You should have a baby.
8. You should call Grandma.
9. You should call Mrs.Kunkler.
10. You should call Aunt Margaret.

Constructive Criticism from My Cat

1. I’m mad at you.
2. I’m mad you are looking at me.
3. I’m mad because I’m hungry.
4. I ate a clump of hair I found and it’s your fault.
5. I’m mad at you.
6. I’m excited to see you but, let’s be clear, I’m going to bite your hair.
7. I’m mad you hid the laser pointer.
8. I ate some dust I found.
9. I ate the Christmas tree.
10. I’m mad you won’t let me eat this porcelain figurine.

Constructive Criticism from My Boyfriend

1. The lack of candy bars in this house is your fault.
2. I feel like you are hiding all the candy.
3. Did you eat the candy?
4. Then where is it.
5. Did you hide the car keys?
6. Fine. I’ll walk to go get candy.
7. Are you happy?
8. I’m leaving.
9. Look, here I go.
10. You don’t even care that the store is going to close in 5 minutes.

Constructive Criticism and Jokes from People I’ve Just Met, or Once Knew,
Given After They Find Out I Write Jokes

1. You’re a giant lesbian I bet
2. More cowbell
3. Charlie Murphaayyy
4. Retardedsharkunicornpregnantwithtwins says what?
5. I would hug your crotch in front of God
6. Vegas baby
7. Junk in the Trunk and then some
8. Bratz Dolls should be called Slutz Dolls
9. More like Buttz Dolls
10. More like Cuntz Dolls

Constructive Criticism to Pitch Emails from Members of the Press

1. Take me off your list. [Pretty concise response for someone who wrote 4 pages on the greatness of re-using bath water to water your plants. Next time, just call me up screaming the word "unsubscribe" and hang up on me like you think I'm a telemarketer. That'll show me.]
2. I no longer write for Huff Post Green. I will be spending the summer launching my new blog "Earth Aware-Ware" which features my Earth-friendly lids for opened cat food cans. [You’re a true eco-warrior]
3. Who is this? [I feel like my last email accomplished the answer to this question.]
4. How did you get my email address? [You listed it on your website as a way to contact you for press pitches.]
5. Let me get back to you next month. My editor just moved into her new house. [What...?]
6. Yes we would love to feature The Plastic Group. Do you make your own plastic? [The exact opposite of that.]
7. [No response, and then 2 years later] I’m sorry but we won’t be able to feature the 2010 B&B film festival.
8. [No response.]
9. [No response.]
10. Yes, we can feature your organization! However, the blog just launched and only has 41 readers. I will need a press kit and a zip file of high res images. Let’s have a conference call tonight with the webmaster and my assistant. She’s brand new - just out of high school in fact! Do you have time to edit a final version of this post? It’s going to be about 11 pages long. Much of it will be about my trip to India. Are you available next week for coffee? We’d love for you guys to promote our blog through your distribution list. Hey it’s me again, I was wondering if you could post our blog link on the front page of your site. Would you also consider changing the name of your group to our name? [I no longer work for this organization. I will be spending my summer digging a grave and putting my living corpse inside of it.]