Did you hear the NEWS ABOUT ALL THE STUFF

ZZZzzzZZZzzzz.....

by Michaelanne Petrella

Oh, hello! I fell asleep for a hundred hours after the election was over but I'm back! I wanted to update you on the news that I have been sleeping through recently.

News from the last whatever:

1. General Patton kissed a girl and he liked it. It is Obama's fault.

2. Hamas just dared Israel to invade Gaza on the ground. Mr. President, PLEASE DEPLOY HILLARY. UPDATE: Hills Deployed.

3. Thanksgiving is today, tomorrow, Thurby, and Fridaise. Guess Who Is Coming For Dinner? Someone who nearly choke to death eating a Reese's peanut butter cup wrapper because she thought it was food:

I also once almost died from eating an apricot.

and this fella: 

Dr. Chevy Fresh Hat.

Also featured at the upcoming Thanksbirthday Day is Chef Jim:

Sprouts on the Cob.

4. Guy Fieri just appeared on the TV.

Here are all the phrases he said that made me die:

Totez Bagoatious, Narga Blurgyflip!
Ba-widda-bah-da-bang-da-bang!

1. Shut the front door
2. Out of bounds
3. Off the hook
4. (Unintelligible screaming)
5. Getting your goat on
6. Regular old cooked-down skin
7. College Taco Bar
8. PhD in Rock n' Roll
9. I'm Russian to get some of this in my mouth
10. These noodles are overcooked, bro



5. Wait. Another episode just barfed out of the screen. I actually have to change this. His sunglasses are on the back of his head. They are yellow. His soul patch is a different color than his goatee!!! BRB.

6. Back from throwing the TV into a forest fire!

Okay, so here's all the even more news:

Jar of Hell.

7. Twinkies got extinct because Unions and Obamacare and Susan Rice's talking points. UPDATE: They may not get shut down? What a crock of dogshit! I'm trying to make a living here!!!!!!

8. I haven't tried it, but Pinterest told me that if you mix a 1/4 teaspoon of baking powder or baking soda, I can't remember which, but it's definitely one and not the other, into a quart of Southern Sweet Tea it makes sweet tea actually taste good.

9. Sorry, "The South", sweet tea needs a trillion lemons in it before I chug it down. And fuck you anyone that puts mint in tea. Mint is toothpaste. The end.



Post Script:

Sometimes turning your head brain on is weird and hard.

10. US Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), who is on the Senate Science subcommittee, said, "I'm not a scientist, man" when asked how old the Earth is. He said he doesn't know how old the Earth is, and thinks it is "one of the great mysteries". You know, someone else said something like this before. It was Sherri Shepherd from the View back in 2007. When someone asked her if the Earth was flat, she said she had never thought about it and didn't know the answer. She was hesitant to say yes, because she was afraid it would conflict with her religious teachings. The next day she played it off like she knew all along that the Earth was round. Too late, Sherri! You should get a TV show with Guy Fireyface and it shall be called "Screaming While Chewing Soup".