Women, Get the Fuck Out (the Vote)

Women of the USA: Unite and take...cover, possibly.

"Ballot Ballad" was probby taken. 

by Michaelanne Petrella

Voting day is here! This is the day that you stand in long lines, get bored, debate asking the person in front of you for a bite of their granola bar, text your friends to say how bored you are, and generally just get nervous and confused when you are reading your ballot. There ARE worse things than voting days. Like this pamphlet, for instance. Back in the wayback days, voting wasn't for everyone! The National Association Opposed to Woman Suffrage was unfortunately created by a woman named Josephine Dodge in response to women wanting the right to vote. Please read the following pamphlet to see why voting gives you wrinkles:

Copyright © 2011 The Regents of the University of California

I can't believe a woman wrote this. Doesn't she know her opinion doesn't matter? 

Woo Doggies! Fuck you women, according to this poorly-reasoned crazy person's manifesto. Lots of good points made about energy and time, but mostly good points made about whether or not women exist. This pamphlet is less about voting, and more about deciding if women are just redundant clones that have the ability to cancel out, or double-increase things, like some weird paradoxical entity. Don't you know that women are a spacial anomaly that will vote everything up its own ass? The genius that founded the National Association Opposed to Woman Suffrage was an anti-petticoat-takeover, college educated, woman. Imagine, a smart woman voting against her best interests, or rather, voting in favor of not voting!

The crazy thing is, she thought this was progress for women. She believed voting would compromise the nonpartisan integrity of women, that it would make them biased, and they wouldn't have the saintly dispositions to do their important social work -- they would be down in the mud with the rest of the mortals. This attitude mirrors certain kinds of "peace-making" referee rolls that women are supposed to have, but it also brings up the "politics are disgusting" thing. What people, and women people, mean when they say this, is they are disgusted by fighting. Which isn't even that good of thing to be grossed by. Be grossed by Super PACs and commercials, but don't act like passionately defending your partisan argument is disgusting or that you should feel guilty for voting since you are supposed to abstain from such "fighting".

Okay, I have convinced you to vote and now you are going "Wubba wubba wub wha what do I vote at!?" And I say, in response to that, Your stutter is fancy as hell!  Secondly, I declare that you shall vote for President Obama. You're sitting their wondering to yourself, "If Obama is so great for women, why don't I have a flying car yet?" This is a perfectly valid question. But instead of worrying about that like a doofus, why don't you ask a better question like this one: "What the fuck has Obama done for women?"

http://whatthefuckhasobamadonesofar.com

And, what the fuck will Romney do for women? He'd defund Planned Parenthood, he'd roll back Roe v Wade through Supreme Court appointments, and he'd still continue to support a man that said that rape pregnancies were intended by God.

You are still sitting at home like a wonderful idiot unable to find your fucking polling place. Are you wondering where you fucking polling place is? Here's a fucking website that will tell you:

http://www.yourfuckingpollingplace.com/

Now go vote. And don't wait to read about the issues for the first time at the voting booth. Don't hold up the line and don't accidentally get tricked into voting for mandatory chemical baths for puppies.

I hate baffs!